Thoughtful Thursday

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I love this, because although it would be pretty difficult for us to never think anything negative again, it is so very true that our thoughts are everything when it comes to the life we live and the life we want for ourselves moving forward. They control our actions, our energy, our overall mental well being. And the more positive our thoughts, the more we are able to help those around us (especially if we have children). Moving into the last couple months of the year, I hope to put this into practice a little more every day, every week.

Happy Thursday all, make it a good one!

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Letting Go 


I slowly placed the lid over the top of the candle on the nightstand. As I sat back on the bed with tears streaming down my face, I watched as the flame flickered out. It felt oddly symbolic. Just five days before my 31st birthday, I was once again reminded of the weight of being an adult. Having to make decisions that hurt so bad in the moment, but the mature you knowing deep down it was right; right for future you, right for your children. So I took a deep breath and I let go. Physically, I let the tears go. Mentally and emotionally I freed myself of what was, what could’ve been, and I remembered this: there is never a better time to start anew than the present. So I closed my eyes and awaited the sunrise. The first sunrise of the rest of my life.

“Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that is going to help you grow” ~ Caroline Moss

Change

This isn’t going to flow or be cohesive by any means. I know this the second my fingers hit the keys. But the irony in that is this: neither is real life. It doesn’t always make sense. There’s not even always a moral to the story. That truth, however, doesn’t make life any less beautiful or exhilarating, or all of the adjectives I could use to describe what I’ve come to appreciate about life this year.

It is now the end of July. I’ve accomplished very little of the tangible goals I set out for the year. BUT MY HAVE I LEARNED. I wouldn’t be able to measure what this year so far has proven to be for me. At thirty years old, after a failed marriage, two children, great losses, and an almost constant state of transition for a period of three years…I can actually say everything has worked out beyond what I could have imagined. At a certain point I really, truly let go of expectations, regrets, and my concern over matters that were never within my control in the first place. I literally just decided to be at peace and to try my hardest to make only decisions that would contribute to that peace and to my overall growth. To be unafraid to remove myself from situations (relationships included) that compromised that goal. And so, slowly, I began to purge.

I have watched my love and patience for my children (and myself as well) grow immensely. The confidence I possess in my own strength and abilities has also matured greatly. The small details don’t concern me anymore and I realize that no matter how things play out, they will always work one way or another.

There’s a sort of shame that comes along with evolving. Many people are complacent and may not understand when you make conscious decisions to change your life, especially if the direction you are heading doesn’t suit them. But honestly, the thought of losing others to gain myself no longer scares me or influences me. It is a part of life to grow past people and habits; a necessary one. This process involves a great deal of growing pains, but is well worth it in the end.

These words hit home with me when I read them:

“When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump.

Otherwise you end up staying in the same place your whole life.

And that I can’t do.”

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(The look of absolute contentment ~ July 21, 2017)

Versatile Blogger Award

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Thank you to the very sweet Rachael over at Rachael’s Ramblingss for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award! It’s been close to nine months now since I started ThirtyNWordy and it’s been a blessing in disguise to become a part of this community with such interesting, talented people from all over the world!

 

The rules when nominated are:

  1. Thank the person that nominated you and include the link to their blog.
  2. Nominate 15 blogs of your choice.
  3. Link your nominees and let them know of your nomination.
  4. Share seven facts about yourself.

 

Seven facts about me:

  1. My dream job is to be a travel writer.
  2. Two places I would love to visit in the next five years are Alberta, Canada and the Greek Islands.
  3. I love to cook. If it weren’t for a little thing called calories, I’d cook and bake all of the time.
  4. I have worked in the accounting industry for 10 years this year! Although it is not at all what I ever pictured myself doing, I’ve come to appreciate the stability and flexibility it has offered me and the valuable things I have learned from it.
  5. I absolutely love books and bookstores. I could browse and sit in a bookstore for hours (if only they weren’t nearly extinct). Writing has only enhanced this love.
  6. My first job was at a deli when I was 16. I learned to cook so many different things there and loved talking to all of the regulars every day. That is also where I believe my coffee addiction began, as I would make myself a drink with the espresso machine every morning.
  7. My favorite sport is baseball. I didn’t learn to enjoy the sport until I was an adult, but I’m definitely glad I did.

 

My nominations:

 

 

January Fog 

It’s another blurry winter morning in January. As I begin my climb up that all-too-familiar hill, I watch as a low layer of fog rolls through; steadily blanketing the atmosphere in between the mountains that encompass the heavily congested highways leading in and out of the Central Valley. Most days, the sun takes the place of the dreariness here, intensifying the colors of the rolling green slopes, freckled with yellow wildflowers. But as much as I love that view, the fog brings with it a curious calmness, as does the stillness of the wind turbines whose rotations never failed to hold my gaze as a child. Occasionally, when traffic is especially unbearable, I sneak through the back of the hills and catch a closer glimpse of the massive, well-known structures.


That time of year has come yet again, where most people have a very clear and concise idea of how they want to spend the next 12 months and what they want to have accomplished by the end of it. Not me. Just as I have come to love the fog as much as the sunshine in a physical sense, so I have come to embrace the periods of fogginess in my life. Realizing that although the lack of clarity may hinder my view of what’s ahead, the unknown is more magical than it is scary. Having more trust in the universe and my place in it then ever before.

With a new year ahead, I know that just as the texture and color on those hills and the air surrounding will continue to change with the season, so will I. Each phase being beautiful in it’s own way and somehow necessary to the next.

“Don’t stress so much about settling on a path for 2017. The division of time into years is a human invention, and fact is every moment of every day is another opportunity for resolution and growth. So when the fireworks fly, relax and enjoy the moment. The rest will come to you.” ~ Beau Taplin

Hiatus

Anyone that knows me, knows I’m not a reclusive person. Not by nature anyway. But as the curtain began to close on this year, I realized I needed to pause and to clear my ever incessant mind. This meant making less time consuming plans with others, shutting down electronics more often, and spending much more (and much needed) time at home. I set out to accomplish tasks that only i bestowed upon myself and to go about them as thoroughly or as apathetically as I chose; then to spend some days in my pajama’s with no intentions or guilt whatsoever. I took the longest consecutive time off of work that I’ve taken in close to three years. Reminding myself of the scant periods of time in my adult life where there weren’t places to rush off to and endless tasks looming. I needed to sort of just exist for a few weeks, to almost purposely be uninspired for a time, as I knew a great deal of reflection and refocusing was just around the corner. The continuation of my search and accumulation of substance from within myself, others, experiences, books, nature…the list is endless.

I was able to enjoy a little time away with my children, and for that I’m most grateful. A few days away from responsibility to spoil them and remind myself of my greatest role in life, that of being a Mother. Their Mother.

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(Outside of the Monterey Bay Aquarium. The same spot I posed with them one year prior.) 

And waking up to the colors of the sunrise reflecting off of the bay from our room was a wonderful way to spend a quiet morning before the kids awoke.

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Along with a little getaway, I was able to begin my quest to de-clutter. The truth in this statement motivating my slow but steady realignment:

“Clutter is not just the stuff on the floor – it’s anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living” – Peter Walsh

I put an effort into the physical aspect of this, attempting to make my home more organized and paying bills a quicker process. However, one of those not so physical area’s of “clutter” I have been able to identify for some time is social media. Not only the amount of time wasted checking it repeatedly, but scrolling, commenting, and the pointless articles that I would get sucked into reading. I realized, unfortunately, that many of the people I was connected with truly had very little to say or offer. The overabundance of negativity, perpetual crudeness, and the endless “test results” posted of what I’m sure comprise of about five recycled answers as to “How many kids will you have”, “When will you get married”, “What are your greatest attributes”, “What celebrity do you look like”…etc, etc. None of it was adding any substance to my life, in fact, it was doing the opposite. So of the two social media accounts I have, I’ve deleted one and plan to delete the app of the other off of my phone after I save the pictures I want and make a permanent decision to delete it.

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs, and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” – Annonymous. This sentiment fully describes what I’ve come to appreciate about my life, my world. It is mine, and mine alone to create, fulfill, nurture, and mold. I don’t owe anyone an explanation as to the decisions I make on a personal level, nor should I ever feel guilty about taking a hiatus at times. A step back from society in general to regroup and restore myself.

I hope everyone reading has had a wonderful, positive end to 2016 and that 2017 is everything you want it and make it to be.